Do not steal food from the science building!
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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.