Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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