Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes