Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
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Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.