HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel