I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Lmao the reply
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is