She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.