life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
You Might Also Like
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Apparently, this is how the world ends.