Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Every house has this drawer
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.