Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf