Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime