My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Breaking news:
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*