My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke