when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.