“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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Oh yeah that’s it
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.