Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Saw your ex at the shops
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Incredible customer service.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.