*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.