“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body