If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird