Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
cat vs inanimate object
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
This why you should mind your business
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.