My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
You Might Also Like
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.