Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…