Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.