Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
an airline just for babies.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I have a black belt in leather
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on