I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller