Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience