I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?