Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
*ernest hemingway voice*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.