Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
titanic
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.