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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk