1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2