-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.