*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
So sick of all these stupid rules