It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If snakes were wide
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!