We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?