If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Ken is short for chicken
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE