I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real