Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”