If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didnât you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didnât want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if itâs about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So⊠I snore??
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Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight donât count
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
âDonât bite the hand that feeds youâ maybe just donât bite hands. Shouldnât have to qualify it
Netflix: âAre you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?â
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: I canât sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. đ¶ Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. đ¶
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like âHow to teach your kid to not biteâ.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
đŹ
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so Iâm panicking but bored about it.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, youâll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bobâs funeral home, youâll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars