“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now