Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.