absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*