I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
peak technology
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows