*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”