I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Can’t. Being lazy.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice