If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.