[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills