Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft