starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera