“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Body by Oreos
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.